European Countries I’ve Been to Recently, Ranked by Cost-Effectiveness of My Enjoyment
What to think about some European countries, objectively speaking.
1. Czech Republic
It is a law of nature that any white, upper class American who’s spent a month backpacking through Europe during their junior year of college will tell you their favorite place is Prague. It’s got great art, architecture, literature, history, and fantastic beer and food that cost nothing.
You know what has great art, architecture, literature, history, and fantastic beer and food that costs half as much as in Prague? Olomouc. Brno. Plzen. Literally anywhere in the Czech Republic outside Prague, including a number of cities with almost as much history and culture and none of the filthy American college kids running around.
I have a fantasy of taking a sabbatical from work, moving to Brno, and basically living in a pub, writing a novel while I eat pork ribs and drink beer every day. And frankly, if I save my money for like eight years, I could just retire and do that for the rest of my life.
2. Albania
I was walking down a road in southern Albania, and there was an old man with a cart selling gelato. The price for a cup of gelato was 10 Lek, then as now equivalent to 9 cents US. An equivalent sized cup of gelato in Italy will run 1-5 Euros, or at the time $1.30-6.50 US, depending on the location.
The gelato was served in one of those disposable paper cups, the width and weight of what you’d find at an office water cooler, and a little balsa-wood spoon. I started to walk away and the man gestured that I should stop and sit on a little stool nearby. This was a sit-down roadside cart, not a takeaway roadside cart, you see.
When I finished, he stood with his hand out. I reached for my coins to give him a tip, but he turned down the money and took back the paper cup and spoon. You don’t get to keep the paper cup and the balsa-wood spoon. Gotta keep costs down.
Was it good gelato? Who fucking cares?
The rest of my time in Albania, I ate roast lamb so fresh the waiters were cleaning the lamb’s blood off the floor as they served it. (So few people can afford restaurants, they don’t kill the lamb till you show up.) And when people found out I was American, crowds gathered to touch me and tell me about their cousins in Ohio and ask what I thought about Michael Jordan. (This was 2009. “Uhh…he’s an underwear salesman?”) With a guide/driver, lodgings, and entrance to pristine ancient Greek and Roman historical sites, it was about $40 a day.
Albania is not #1 on the list because it had a world-class littering problem and a lack of infrastructure and there’s frankly not a ton to do. Maybe they’ve fixed those things. I doubt it.
3. Portugal
I like cod, red wine, fried foods, pastries, friendly people and not spending money. This is a good place to go.
Lisbon is moderately cheap, and the northern part of the country costs about 20% less. Everywhere is 50% off from February to April. Braga in February will run you $25/day for a hotel room, and not much more for some great food.
Docked points for unremarkable beer and essentially zero breakfast options; also, outside Lisbon and Porto, not a ton to do.
I haven’t spent enough time in Spain to write much about it but from my brief visit there, got a similar vibe.
4-5. France / Italy
France and Italy are the gold standard for European travel if you can afford it. It’s always worth the money. In the big cities, there’s a million things going on and more art and history museums than you can see in a month, concerts, scholarly events, whatever it is that you enjoy doing while you travel. No matter where you are, the food is amazing and satisfying and the wine is fabulous.
Obviously the hedge is “if you can afford it.” Parts of France and Italy, far out from the big cities, are a bit cheaper. Bread, pastries, cheese, and wine are all extremely high quality, cost effective options in both countries, along with roast chicken and cider in France and pizza in Italy. But under the best of circumstances you’re looking at $80/day per person, and if you’re dead set on, for instance, a gondola ride through Venice or a visit to a three-star Michelin restraurant in downtown Paris, try $400/day before you blink an eye. Worth it? I guess. Depends how much money means to you.
People sometimes talk about the French being snooty. You will not hear a French waiter say “Hi, I’m Jacques and I’ll be your server today! Can I start you with some sparkling water?” That’s not the culture, get over it. I’ve been frustrated on a few occasions in France that I have to deal with a real, idiosyncratic person instead of the faceless product of a thousand corporate policy training memos. That has little to do with France and is very much the consequence of going to a different place with a different language, and patronizing small businesses.
6. Scotland
People are pretty friendly. It rains for ten seconds every eight minutes. Lots of hills and bogs and shit to climb on. Good beer, pretty reasonably priced. Domestic travel options.
Scotland is higher on this list than Ireland because the food is better and things are a bit cheaper, probably because they didn’t adopt the Euro. Although, my references are all pre-Brexit, so who knows. Anyway, otherwise a pretty similar experience.
7. Ireland
Ireland has those things you can’t find anywhere else in the world, like beer, and people who speak in funny accents. It is a place to go if you enjoy paying $25 for a bowl of beef and potato stew or $15 for soggy french fries...twice a day, every day. It is a place to go if you enjoy stomping around in mud eleven months a year, and ice the other month.
It produces a wildly disproportionate amount of literary and musical genius. U2 came from Ireland, and Oscar Wilde. You know who left Ireland and did their best work in the US? U2 and Oscar Wilde.
Ireland gets big props for fighting for their independence from Britain. The history, generally, and the people you meet, all great.
God damn it though, the food sucks. Every once in a while you read an article about Dublin’s culinary renaissance, and it’s like yes, if you go to the nicest places in the city and pay $180 a person, you can have a haute cuisine extravaganza with ingredients shipped in from France. Your choices are that, or some combination of beans and potatoes and meat slop that could buy you six Albanian roast lambs, or a plate of pork ribs and vegetables and three beers in Brno.
Oh, you want to go to Ireland to drink Guinness in an Irish pub? It costs six Euros or more, plus tip. It does not taste “fresher” than draught Guinness in America. They’re pretty good at making shit taste the same everywhere these days.
I liked stomping around in the mud, actually.
8. Poland
From an outsider’s perspective, Poland is a lot like the Czech Republic, except that it is more expensive, colder, and just more dingy and dismal.
The historic center of Krakow is really beautiful and the country has fascinating history and whatever. It is also currently re-embracing fascism, somehow more openly and unambiguously than the U.S.
My first day in Krakow someone stole $100 from my wife’s purse. We felt depressed and went to a cinema and watched “Fast and Furious.” We still felt depressed, so we watched the other movie that was showing in English, which was about the holocaust. I walked out of the theater and thought to myself, the holocaust, kind of on these guys too.
9. Germany
I guess Germany is fine. As a Jew, I go to Germany and I just think, you guys get to have this pretty country? Fuck. You.
Then I come back to America and I see black people and Native Americans and I’m like, man, what are they so fucking upset about, everything’s fine now, just let me be rich without feeling bad about it for once.
10. Slovakia
Imagine going to France, and every single art museum, bakery and restaurant is closed. But the people still treat you like shit and charge you a million dollars for everything and can’t stop talking about how great their country is.